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The Chuck Norris Memorial Exaggeration Thread

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  • The Chuck Norris Memorial Exaggeration Thread

    Nothing like exaggeration to pump up the attributes of a team. (Example: the Chuck Norris fictional descriptions)
    So here we go, highlighting the Texas Rangers.

    C - Mike Napoli is so solid the MIT physics department uses him for their metals density tests.
    Yorvit Torrealba is so fiery the Dominican firefighters union compares blaze levels to him.

    1B - Mitch Moreland is so genuine the Better Business Bureau keeps a certification stamp with his image.
    When Mike Napoli or Michael Young play first, they keep a photo of Mitch under their hats.

    2B - Ian Kinsler is so multitalented that Simon Cowell checks with him before naming judges to the many country Got Talent shows.

    SS - Elvis Andrus is so cool he keeps the playing field below 98.6 even when the air temperature is over 100.

    3B - Adrian Beltre is so good at baseball his head is literally a shrine - other players try to touch it hoping for skill transfer.

    LF - Josh Hamilton is like a Ferrari Testarossa - so powerful and graceful but fragile, a once in a generation creation.
    When David Murphy plays there you still have a good vehicle that's slower but dependable.

    CF - Craig Gentry is so fast that if he only ran west, he'd never age but would catch everything in the air along the way.
    When Leonis Martin or Julio Borbon play there the ground crew doesn't have to mow, they both trim it just by running.

    RF - Nelson Cruz is so strong that Bobby V once said "Some day he will hit the longest home run anyone has ever seen".
    He may have already done that, except a steel upright in left center field at Safeco stopped his blast before it reached the Royal Brougham Way exit to the Interstate, stopping trains en route.

    DH - Michael Young is so skilled at hitting balls where people aren't that National Geographic uses his old batting gloves when exploring unpopulated areas.

    Now, somebody create a pitchers' post. All just for fun

  • #2
    Sports Illustrated recently recalled its Kate Upton-headlined swimsuit issue after it was decided that Yu Darvish, in fact, throws superior curves.